Summertime

Well , i am out of mourning and have moved on to the new freedom weaning has given me and my son. We are keeping busy with all kinds of fun summer activities and since i haven't posted in awhile i will share some new photos here.

i hope all of you are enjoying the sun's rays and these hazy, lazy, crazy days of summer with your friends and families...

Of Cabbages and Kings

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

"to speak of many things.
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
of cabbages and kings."

-Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

Today is the day my son and i have changed in an irrevocable way.
We are no longer nursing.

This week i have begun the long-awaited , yet not-quite-ready for process ( for both of us )
of weaning off of the breast.
Sigh.
This fills me with so many conflicting , yet necessary and i imagine quite un-extraordinary feelings . I am sure all breastfeeding mothers go through a similar contradiction of emotions - feeling on the precipice of a new freedom , a return to the concept of "my body" , the joy of watching your baby grow and develop beyond complete and total dependence into a little person all of his own . A King of a land yet to be conquered , one of his own imagination and the wide world beyond the safety and comfort of your warm breast.
Yet you have nourished him , comforted him , eased his pain and healed his ills , all the while keeping him warm and close- as close as possible without actually being in your womb , where his tiny and tenuous life began. It felt right. It felt good and it comforted you , too.
Now it is all changing and although it is time and it is going sweetly and not painlessly , it is going. Forever.
There is a bittersweet sadness that fills its place and the tears well up in my eyes as i feel the milk leave my body , never to return . I hold my son and cradle him as he whimpers and sighs - resigned that "Mama's milk is all gone" .
My love grows exponentially to fill the gap- but does he feel it ? Will he remember this day in his bones ? I will . I know it is the 'right' thing and the right time , as we have tried before , several times with very little success and this time Colin told me it was time. He showed me signs and i started to offer other comforts in place of nursing. He accepted , a bit begrudgingly but accepted nonetheless and we eased into it , together. He cried , i cried and then we found each other again , in a new way. He is sleeping as i write this - the third time without a "nite-nite " nursing and he is breathing easily and heavily in slumber . My heart still feels heavy.
It isn't as easy as i wanted it to be.
I have cabbage leaves in my bra ( an old folk remedy that sounds and feels ridiculous , yet works) to stop engorgement and soothe the pain. I cut fresh sage and mint from my herb garden for tea to help dry up the milk and i am feasting on cabbage , sorrel and parsley soup to aid in the process as well .
I have done everything i can do now i must let time heal the rest and let go , just a little .
Sleep well , my petit chou prince. I still love you so.

Colin Turns Two- March 29, 2008

Cheese and Dumplings

It has been awhile since my last post as the cold weather does its best to get a stranglehold grip on my psyche. I am in uber-hibernation mode these days , barely venturing out of the house lest i frost-bite Buggle's beautiful rosy cheeks into frozen lady apples.

It has been bitter cold here and i leave the house to go to my yoga class on Sunday mornings ( my 'church' ) and to do a bit of grocery shopping- that's it . We while away the long Winter days playing games of hide and seek under the heavy blankets and 'let's cuddle and read a story' - my sneaky ways of keeping warm amidst the chill. That baby boy generates heat like a lilliputian furnace and i am no fool - i keep him close on the blustery days.

We watch the hours pass like snowflakes - which are decidedly absent from our Virginian landscape - always on the forecast but never arriving , it seems.
We keep busy putting stickers on the dog , dancing to various drumbeats- real and imagined- with our Uggs on and having tea and a mid-day snack with Winnie the Pooh ( the old one , not that horrid new version on the Dismay channel ) or Beatrix Potter - Bug's current favorite.

He repeatedly REPEATEDLY requests 'Ummies and Caw Caw" ( like the French word for Duck Canard -dangerous if mis-pronounced ) which loosely translated means - 'Tom Kitten and Jemima Puddle Duck" Over and Over and Over , as an almost-two year old is wont to do. I find myself willingly donning my inner thespian's cap and reciting along with the characters word for word. What else is a mama to do ?

At least it isn't Barney . The Great Purple One and his frighteningly annoying entourage of pod children are officially banned at our house.
Mean , i know , but really , there are limits if one wants to remain sane in the dead of Winter.


For a mean recipe to beat the Winter Doldrums visit Sunday Dinner ( it involves Dumplings )

Meme , you're it .

Ok , so i was needing a good fire-starter to finally update my flagging blog entries here on Hysteria Lane - i mean it has been a COLD winter and i have really been hibernating these past few weeks ( and months) - Well , Fleur from Frangible Pie tagged me with a Meme entitled
" 7 Weird Things about me " . What ? Just 7 ? You mean i have to narrow down all the weirdness that my persnality and my life encompasses into 7 measly things ? Ha - for anyone that knows me they are really laughing at how my lazy self is going to have to work hard on this one .
But , i digress .
Onto the Weird....

7 Weird Things about Moi

(This first one is inspired by a similar Buddha-nature spirit who confessed to an unnatural love of mice and their well-being. )

1.) i once saved a mouse from impending doom while working for Nutri-System in the eighties (when they were all the rage ) I saw him- the mouse in question (as did numerous waiting clients ) race across the waiting room floor one evening around closing time . We kept many boxes of that horrid freeze-dried and vacuum -sealed food product on our shelves and i am sure he thought he was living at the Ratz-Carlton !
Anyhoo , i was ordered by my superiors to trap and kill the little bugger PRONTO -
but i just couldn't do it. After having him leave happy trails for a few excruciating days of deliberation i finally got a have-a-heart trap and promptly caught him , releasing him in the woods nearby.
A recent enjoyable viewing of Ratatouille and several Beatrix Potter videos with my son reminds me just WHY his Mommy is so weird. His little face is so in awe of all animals these days. He has a very gentle and sweet nature , not unlike a mouse.
Mice, in my humble opinion are small , maligned creatures who , yes , even as vermin , still have a place in this world - granted not in my kitchen or in a place of business.
So, go in Peace mice , i bid you well. You are VERY lucky i don't have cats anymore( due to death and my husband's unfortunate allergies.) Frida was a devoted Mouser.
Lucky for them , Lula the chihuahua is deathly afraid of mice . She poses zero threat unless you want to count the shaky growling and puffing noise that emanates from her tiny quaking frame upon sighting any small moving critter.

2. ) I enjoy munching on raw potatoes and salt.

3.) I have several dozen nick-names for my son ( like i have for all of my pets )and he responds to all of them .
He will not, however, respond if i call him 'chair' or ' le auto-bus' .

4. ) i love to sniff my dog's 'stink ears' they smell like a mix between mice ( there's that weird affection for mice again ) and chocolate - hence my nickname for her - 'Chocolate Mouse'

5.) i frequently buy books , films and CD's that i already own - out there somewhere.
They are either packed away , lost or sometimes i just forget i already have them.

6.) For someone who rarely has the opportunity or the wardrobe to accompany them anymore- i love garter belts , pantyhose and stockings, retro corseted girdles etc . under suits and demure clothing. yes , they are all uncomfortable. but i like it.
Throwback to the Fifties, anyone ??

7.) i rarely change out of my pajamas before 4:00 in the afternoon ( unless i am leaving the house which really only happens a few days a week ) I have gone outside to get the mail in full pj regalia more than once. My son frequently has 'pajama day ' with his weirdo Mama.

Well, that's seven.

See ? I am out of time already and i was just getting warmed up.

Egads - what WILL the neighbors think now ?

Thanks Fleur for exposing me .
Now i taunt Zen , Lipby, and Hazmat to the same fate .
Make me laugh , i dare you.

A New Friend

I don't know who Colin likes better his ' Big Car' or ' Teddy ' but they pretty much get equal play these days. Teddy was a gift from Grammy and Grampy and the truck is from his birthday last year.

His other current favorites are his wooden 'Too-Tooey' (Brio train set) , his play kitchen and his 'Ummies' (stuffed cats ). He misses the 'stars' ( Christmas Tree) and looks for the 'Moonie' every night before bed. He has Croup , Mama's surgery , molars and the wee beginnings of toilet training under his belt now and is no worse for the wear (yet), although Mama & Dada are a little rough around the edges these days.

(outfit above knitted by Bug's great-grandmother who is 99 years young )

Mr Buggles takes it all in stride in his toddler -sized UGGS and is looking forward to turning 2 in a few short months so he can say "NO" with even more precision and confidence.

Stay tuned for more pics and Bugdates soon...

From Our Family to Yours

Happy New Year !

Christmas Spirit

Help spread the cheer ...

I just posted some new photos from a Holiday party we attended this past weekend on Sunday Dinner ( my foodie blog ) please visit and share the link with anyone you think might need a dose of Christmas spirit. There is nothing like some spiked eggnog , cherry-cheeked tots and twinkling lights to de-frost the most reluctant of Scrooges . It worked for the Bumble and it worked for me .
; )

Cheers !

(click on Sunday Dinner above for direct link to photos )

Getting in the Spirit

Buggles got his first pair of snow boots this year.
We made a special trip to Target to get boots, mittens,hats & a snowsuit to prepare for the predicted storm on its way here from up North.

The last week or so has heralded some icy cold weather and has curtailed our family walks a bit. We were in sore need of the Christmas spirit though, so cold as it was we all bundled up and headed out for a nighttime walk in search of the first Christmas lights.

One small house ( yet to be gentrified in our upwardly mobile neighborhood) had the cutest lights and decorations and i just had to snap a few elfin shots of Colin (in last year's snowbaby jumper )in the foreground. The pictures ended up having a very fifties feel to them . A bit of nostalgia is always good for the soul.

Colin was so entranced and awed by the 'stars' that he stood stock still and frozen in front of them for several minutes, allowing for a couple of great shots to be taken.

We put up our tree , hung the lights and this weekend will finish decorating and wrapping presents. Fa la lala la la la la la.

I can feel the humbug starting to fade away little by little ...
; )

There's snow on the horizon tomorrow , too.
A white Christmas always gets me in the mood.

Sunday Paper

Earth

Mama Says Om ( a site i contribute to regularly ) has announced they will be closing their doors to pursue other ventures . Although saddened by the news , i understand the need for change.

My life is embarking on a sea-change of its own , i feel its rumblings just beneath the patch of earth i inhabit and i embrace it - two hands plunged into the mud . I am ready to build a new sand castle while the other washes away into the tide.

We must constantly change and grow - not unlike our children - and sometimes the process is painful and rigorous and ...scary. We cling to the idea of our comfort zone - even when it doesn't work anymore . It is a hard habit to break.

It is so easy in our current culture to discard the old for the new , to build over the earth rather than work with what we already have in order to improve it .

Sometimes it is good( and necessary) to shed an old skin or an old tooth when a new , more mature one pushes its way to the surface . Sometimes it is even better to mix a new color , plant a new crop , try a new way of seeing or doing what it is that we do instead of giving up or remaining stagnant.

Change can be healthy . Change can give birth to what was once only a dream. Staying firmly planted to the Earth in the process is the challenge.


for mama says om

Sous Chef

We have decided to get my 19 month old son a play kitchen for Christmas this year. He has been showing signs of interest in the culinary arts for a few months - watching his mama cook , learning how to open drawers and cabinets , playing with bowls, measuring cups and various utensils. He even goes into my kitchen island spice pantry and re-arranges the herbs and spices .

And of course he loves to eat !
He is showing every sign of following in his Epicurean mother's footsteps . Why not encourage it ?
Why should boys miss out on all of the Foodie fun ?
I , for one admire men who can cook .
It is not so strange in Europe but here in the USA it is still not the norm to encourage boys to learn the kitchen arts . Very sad , in my humble opinion.

If i have anything to say about it , Colin will be well-versed in the kitchen and know his way around a car engine , too. ; )

see this weeks SUNDAY DINNER for more on the subject of playing with your food ....

Image Crazy

Well , being in a sick bed has its advantages.
I may not be able to go out and take photographs but i can scour the archives for now...

i started a new blog called Persistence of Vision -
a photo blog of sorts -to house my more artistically inclined pieces.
If something doesn't fit here on Hysteria Lane or
at Sunday Dinner , my food blog
then it will most likely end up HERE

Please visit if you have any interest in the visual .
There should be a little something for everyone
eventually.

Remember a photo a day helps keep the Doctor away...

Giving

anne lydiat


Is anyone else out there tired of giving ? Ever ?
I feel like i give 150% of myself everyday and just now as i re-cupe from surgery ( see posts below for details) i am feeling a tad used-up .

My sis-in-law sent me a topic "the Meaning of the use of the term 'Bitch' in modern society "and it really got me thinking. Being a former student of film studies and cultural criticism , of course i am familiar with this subject . It has long been discussed among feminists.
But of course , today i personalized it . I was feeling a bit bitchy, i guess.

This is what i wrote :

i am sure my husband , if asked right now , would say i am a Supreme Bitch.
He has had to take on my role for a little over a week
( with the help of babysitters AND a nanny )
and has voiced his displeasure more than once about how hard it is to take care of someone who "is difficult to be with"(and he meant me , not our 19 month old son)

Am i being a Bitch , perhaps ?
Actually, i am just a woman who is in pain ,
more or less helpless due to undergoing surgery to improve her health
and her ability to be a good wife and mother . I am a woman who is missing her baby terribly and her freedom and is in need of a little compassion and understanding during her short but necessary hiatus from
all of her 'womanly' duties.
Too much to ask ?
My husband, to be fair , is trying his best.
Am i in a bad mood and less than pleasant ?
Yes.

So what ?
Men bring their day home constantly and sometimes become angry, impatient and critical , then turn sullen , silent and unreachable at times-
all with the expectation of our understanding , tolerance and compassion.
And we give it , don't we ?
So why is it when women ask the same of their men
they get labeled and dismissed as a 'Bitch' ?
Because the true definition of Bitch is a female dog-
and when one is treated as such and gets beaten down enough ( as loyal and loving as dogs normally are to man)
- they can snarl and bite when provoked !

After all , it is our only self-defense in a world still hostile to female power.
Our voice, that is.

SO , i say -
Bite back , ladies.
We can give as good as we get , can't we ?

New

After Surgery

Well, i made it . The new and hopefully improved sans uteri me.
I have yet to feel hopeful though , i have to be honest.
The new me is struggling.

I ended up having abdominal surgery again due to complications and the recovery this time around ( as opposed to my c-section )has been a bit harrowing , to say the least , but i am on the mend.

The surgery was complicated and i ended up staying in the hospital for three days before being discharged home. My husband brought my son to see me the day after my surgery and he was so shy and scared. He just gave me a tentative little smile and then grabbed me and clung to my side like a squirrel monkey , falling asleep for over an hour. I cried like a baby, it was so good to hold him. As much pain as i had , i still couldn't wait for my Doctor to release me so i could go home.

The hardest part for me , physical pain notwithstanding , is not being able to care for my son for 6 weeks. We have had to hire a temporary nanny because i cannot lift or carry or go up stairs for that long until all of my incisions heal properly. I also had bladder surgery so a lot has to re-coup before i can return to being the active Super-Mama i was before the surgery.
I am already going crazy .

I miss Colin so much it makes my heart ache. Oh sure , i get to see him throughout the day but it has become too difficult because he wants to nurse , be picked up , be lifted and swirled around and have me chase him and get on the floor to play with him.. He really doesn't understand when i try to explain why Mama can't do any of those things right now - and we both end up crying.
It is so hard. It pains me like nothing else ever has.

So , i have taken to hiding out in the bedroom, listening to another woman care for my sweet sweet little boy . At night , i lay in bed and listen to my husband upstairs playing with him and making him laugh , getting ready for bed.
He comes down with Collie in his jammies, all fresh and rosy from his bath and my baby gives me an angels soft and downy fragrant kiss .It melts me everytime.
I know , in my heart , in a a few weeks everything will be all right.We will all weather this ~
But i hate being like this. Knowing and feeling are too different things , aren't they ?
In the meantime I pray for a swift recovery but rIght now i feel like a shadow of my former self.

Whoever tells you losing a uterus is no big deal has only one foot in reality.
It is hard , no matter the circumstances , to lose a part of yourself, even one that you willingly let go of. It changes you.


And you become something, someone new.


Before- the day my son was born

Running

Time is running out...

Tomorrow is my surgery.

I am having a laporoscopic supracervical hyterectomy. Or a good ol' fashioned abdominal if that doesn't work out. You see i have a fibroid uterus - one so heavy and laden with fibroids , big and small , that i am not your ususal candidate for the least invasive and relatively 'new' type of surgery available to women these days.

No , gals , this isn't your Grandma's hysterectomy.
And i get a whack at it , because of my brave and talented doctor . He will try his very best to perform a minamally invasive surgery to remove my broken-down used car of a uterus and leave all of my other gadgets intact. Wish me luck - there are complications too numerous and gory to go into detail , suffice it to say i could use some prayers and a rabbit's foot . Otherwise , it is the not-so-nice option.

I am emotionally ambivalent about giving up my uterus. It has served me well , housing and nurturing my precious angel of a son , against all odds and delivering him unto me , unscathed. I have avoided this surgery , running in fear from it for many years . And i have a child because i did. But now it is time to face my uterus and my fear.

Other than its one great triumph - my uterus has constantly been under attack , or colluding with the enemy to bring me down . Time to send it packing.
Like an abusive lover or an old pair of running shoes who do more harm than good .
All attachments, aside . Time to go.
Goodbye to you.
I bid you adieu .
The uterus ,that is , not 'you' .
I am not quite done here yet ........

Halloween

Trick or Treat !

Colin was a Jester this year at the Renaissance Fair and a Bumblebee on Halloween .
I don't know which is cuter .....


Lula was pretty cute , too !

Laugh for the Day

This video was sent to me by my niece Kate who is away at her first semester at NorthEastern University in Boston . She was our primary babysitter this past year and we miss her dearly.
Is it any wonder why ?
How cute is this ?

Our Buggles & Lula

Purify

I found this beauty - swallowtail or Monarch caterpillar?
I am embarrassed to admit i cannot tell the difference ( my days as Naturalist Extraordinaire are numbered ) when i went to cut herbs for soup yesterday.

This week's theme at Mama Says Om is Purify and it is a good time of year to think about purification. Especially if you have a house like mine that is hosting the flu this week. ( Knock on Wood) i have yet to succumb but my husband has it and my little boy had a runny nose today so i am holding my breath hoping it doesn't follow the usual chain of command. All this has inspired me to scour my herb garden and come up with a bombastic blend of culinary and apothecary goodness to do battle with the Germ army marching it's way though my door. I made two soups in as many days - one good ol' fashioned chicken soup and an Asian seafood soup armed to the gills with shitake and maitake mushrooms, Siam Queen Basil and Lemongrass from my herb patch.

Both were delicious and gobbled up with gusto by my sickies. Now i just need to say a little prayer and do a rain dance ( mostly so i won't have to water my roses ) and all the bad energy should float away and i will be left with a happy, healthy and harmonious home , right ?

At least that's the idea behind my purification ceremony.

Monkey in the Middle

" I would not creep along the coast but steer
Out in mid-sea, by guidance of the stars..."
-George Eliot - Middlemarch

It seems I have been 'tagged' by AscenderRisesAbove for a Meme ( i always thought that a Meme was a grandmother - shows how 'square' i really am )
Square peg in a round hole , more like.
Anyway , i digress...

I guess this particular meme is a middle name game where one applies a fact to each letter of their middle name that would reveal something about themselves and then at the end tag a person per letter to do the same . So here i go . Sort of.
Seems simple enough as i only have three letters in my middle name .
Ann. yup , just Ann - pretty boring , huh ?
I always thought i should have had an interesting or exotic middle name like Evangeline or Melusina or something.
Well, i will just to have to work with what i have...

A is for Aspiration

"The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened. It's only the middle-aged who are really conscious of their limitations--that is why one should be so patient with them." Saki- Reginald

A spirations... as a mother i now have more aspirations than ever , heaven help me. Not only do i want to finish my novel someday, have a proper showing of my photographs , really learn French this time, play the piano , become a yoga instructor , make a smaller ecological footprint ( both literally and figuratively ) and have regular dinner parties with anything but regular guests- NOW (post-child) i aspire( and feel a great need ) to do something to help foster world peace , to get my spiritual act together so i don't end up confusing my son , get in great physical and mental shape , start a children's library , learn about trains , set a good example in speech and manners , show some minuscule interest in Sports ( does Tai Chi count ?) , get CPR certified, get organized , the list goes on and on.
The single hardest thing i have been trying to do is JUST BE , which believe it or not , i actually succeed at most of the time.
This is why i suck at regularly updating my Blogs .
Please forgive me.
I guess I am like that little plant always leaning toward the sun , trying to grow against all odds. But i guess that is the point of an aspiration , right ?
More simply put ;
A for always trying.

N is for NO

"I am sure that if the mothers of various nations could meet,
there would be no more wars."- E.M. Forster - Howard's End


No more War. I would like to watch my child grow up in a peaceful world.
I want to live there, too.

N is also for Negativity - life is full of irony

"People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong.
Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? " -Thich Nhat Hanh

Nix on Negativity. I would hereby like to banish all negative thoughts, deeds and words from the lexicon of my life.
At least for 15 minutes per day....


oooh , that was kind of negative wasn't it ?
; )

And last but not least , here are my tags.
Learn something new from someone you don't know
( isn't that the whole point of Blogs anyway ?)

A dAncelikenooneiswatching

N fraNgiblepie

N thepiNkyshow