From Our Family to Yours

Happy New Year !

Christmas Spirit

Help spread the cheer ...

I just posted some new photos from a Holiday party we attended this past weekend on Sunday Dinner ( my foodie blog ) please visit and share the link with anyone you think might need a dose of Christmas spirit. There is nothing like some spiked eggnog , cherry-cheeked tots and twinkling lights to de-frost the most reluctant of Scrooges . It worked for the Bumble and it worked for me .
; )

Cheers !

(click on Sunday Dinner above for direct link to photos )

Getting in the Spirit

Buggles got his first pair of snow boots this year.
We made a special trip to Target to get boots, mittens,hats & a snowsuit to prepare for the predicted storm on its way here from up North.

The last week or so has heralded some icy cold weather and has curtailed our family walks a bit. We were in sore need of the Christmas spirit though, so cold as it was we all bundled up and headed out for a nighttime walk in search of the first Christmas lights.

One small house ( yet to be gentrified in our upwardly mobile neighborhood) had the cutest lights and decorations and i just had to snap a few elfin shots of Colin (in last year's snowbaby jumper )in the foreground. The pictures ended up having a very fifties feel to them . A bit of nostalgia is always good for the soul.

Colin was so entranced and awed by the 'stars' that he stood stock still and frozen in front of them for several minutes, allowing for a couple of great shots to be taken.

We put up our tree , hung the lights and this weekend will finish decorating and wrapping presents. Fa la lala la la la la la.

I can feel the humbug starting to fade away little by little ...
; )

There's snow on the horizon tomorrow , too.
A white Christmas always gets me in the mood.

Sunday Paper

Earth

Mama Says Om ( a site i contribute to regularly ) has announced they will be closing their doors to pursue other ventures . Although saddened by the news , i understand the need for change.

My life is embarking on a sea-change of its own , i feel its rumblings just beneath the patch of earth i inhabit and i embrace it - two hands plunged into the mud . I am ready to build a new sand castle while the other washes away into the tide.

We must constantly change and grow - not unlike our children - and sometimes the process is painful and rigorous and ...scary. We cling to the idea of our comfort zone - even when it doesn't work anymore . It is a hard habit to break.

It is so easy in our current culture to discard the old for the new , to build over the earth rather than work with what we already have in order to improve it .

Sometimes it is good( and necessary) to shed an old skin or an old tooth when a new , more mature one pushes its way to the surface . Sometimes it is even better to mix a new color , plant a new crop , try a new way of seeing or doing what it is that we do instead of giving up or remaining stagnant.

Change can be healthy . Change can give birth to what was once only a dream. Staying firmly planted to the Earth in the process is the challenge.


for mama says om

Sous Chef

We have decided to get my 19 month old son a play kitchen for Christmas this year. He has been showing signs of interest in the culinary arts for a few months - watching his mama cook , learning how to open drawers and cabinets , playing with bowls, measuring cups and various utensils. He even goes into my kitchen island spice pantry and re-arranges the herbs and spices .

And of course he loves to eat !
He is showing every sign of following in his Epicurean mother's footsteps . Why not encourage it ?
Why should boys miss out on all of the Foodie fun ?
I , for one admire men who can cook .
It is not so strange in Europe but here in the USA it is still not the norm to encourage boys to learn the kitchen arts . Very sad , in my humble opinion.

If i have anything to say about it , Colin will be well-versed in the kitchen and know his way around a car engine , too. ; )

see this weeks SUNDAY DINNER for more on the subject of playing with your food ....

Image Crazy

Well , being in a sick bed has its advantages.
I may not be able to go out and take photographs but i can scour the archives for now...

i started a new blog called Persistence of Vision -
a photo blog of sorts -to house my more artistically inclined pieces.
If something doesn't fit here on Hysteria Lane or
at Sunday Dinner , my food blog
then it will most likely end up HERE

Please visit if you have any interest in the visual .
There should be a little something for everyone
eventually.

Remember a photo a day helps keep the Doctor away...

Giving

anne lydiat


Is anyone else out there tired of giving ? Ever ?
I feel like i give 150% of myself everyday and just now as i re-cupe from surgery ( see posts below for details) i am feeling a tad used-up .

My sis-in-law sent me a topic "the Meaning of the use of the term 'Bitch' in modern society "and it really got me thinking. Being a former student of film studies and cultural criticism , of course i am familiar with this subject . It has long been discussed among feminists.
But of course , today i personalized it . I was feeling a bit bitchy, i guess.

This is what i wrote :

i am sure my husband , if asked right now , would say i am a Supreme Bitch.
He has had to take on my role for a little over a week
( with the help of babysitters AND a nanny )
and has voiced his displeasure more than once about how hard it is to take care of someone who "is difficult to be with"(and he meant me , not our 19 month old son)

Am i being a Bitch , perhaps ?
Actually, i am just a woman who is in pain ,
more or less helpless due to undergoing surgery to improve her health
and her ability to be a good wife and mother . I am a woman who is missing her baby terribly and her freedom and is in need of a little compassion and understanding during her short but necessary hiatus from
all of her 'womanly' duties.
Too much to ask ?
My husband, to be fair , is trying his best.
Am i in a bad mood and less than pleasant ?
Yes.

So what ?
Men bring their day home constantly and sometimes become angry, impatient and critical , then turn sullen , silent and unreachable at times-
all with the expectation of our understanding , tolerance and compassion.
And we give it , don't we ?
So why is it when women ask the same of their men
they get labeled and dismissed as a 'Bitch' ?
Because the true definition of Bitch is a female dog-
and when one is treated as such and gets beaten down enough ( as loyal and loving as dogs normally are to man)
- they can snarl and bite when provoked !

After all , it is our only self-defense in a world still hostile to female power.
Our voice, that is.

SO , i say -
Bite back , ladies.
We can give as good as we get , can't we ?

New

After Surgery

Well, i made it . The new and hopefully improved sans uteri me.
I have yet to feel hopeful though , i have to be honest.
The new me is struggling.

I ended up having abdominal surgery again due to complications and the recovery this time around ( as opposed to my c-section )has been a bit harrowing , to say the least , but i am on the mend.

The surgery was complicated and i ended up staying in the hospital for three days before being discharged home. My husband brought my son to see me the day after my surgery and he was so shy and scared. He just gave me a tentative little smile and then grabbed me and clung to my side like a squirrel monkey , falling asleep for over an hour. I cried like a baby, it was so good to hold him. As much pain as i had , i still couldn't wait for my Doctor to release me so i could go home.

The hardest part for me , physical pain notwithstanding , is not being able to care for my son for 6 weeks. We have had to hire a temporary nanny because i cannot lift or carry or go up stairs for that long until all of my incisions heal properly. I also had bladder surgery so a lot has to re-coup before i can return to being the active Super-Mama i was before the surgery.
I am already going crazy .

I miss Colin so much it makes my heart ache. Oh sure , i get to see him throughout the day but it has become too difficult because he wants to nurse , be picked up , be lifted and swirled around and have me chase him and get on the floor to play with him.. He really doesn't understand when i try to explain why Mama can't do any of those things right now - and we both end up crying.
It is so hard. It pains me like nothing else ever has.

So , i have taken to hiding out in the bedroom, listening to another woman care for my sweet sweet little boy . At night , i lay in bed and listen to my husband upstairs playing with him and making him laugh , getting ready for bed.
He comes down with Collie in his jammies, all fresh and rosy from his bath and my baby gives me an angels soft and downy fragrant kiss .It melts me everytime.
I know , in my heart , in a a few weeks everything will be all right.We will all weather this ~
But i hate being like this. Knowing and feeling are too different things , aren't they ?
In the meantime I pray for a swift recovery but rIght now i feel like a shadow of my former self.

Whoever tells you losing a uterus is no big deal has only one foot in reality.
It is hard , no matter the circumstances , to lose a part of yourself, even one that you willingly let go of. It changes you.


And you become something, someone new.


Before- the day my son was born

Running

Time is running out...

Tomorrow is my surgery.

I am having a laporoscopic supracervical hyterectomy. Or a good ol' fashioned abdominal if that doesn't work out. You see i have a fibroid uterus - one so heavy and laden with fibroids , big and small , that i am not your ususal candidate for the least invasive and relatively 'new' type of surgery available to women these days.

No , gals , this isn't your Grandma's hysterectomy.
And i get a whack at it , because of my brave and talented doctor . He will try his very best to perform a minamally invasive surgery to remove my broken-down used car of a uterus and leave all of my other gadgets intact. Wish me luck - there are complications too numerous and gory to go into detail , suffice it to say i could use some prayers and a rabbit's foot . Otherwise , it is the not-so-nice option.

I am emotionally ambivalent about giving up my uterus. It has served me well , housing and nurturing my precious angel of a son , against all odds and delivering him unto me , unscathed. I have avoided this surgery , running in fear from it for many years . And i have a child because i did. But now it is time to face my uterus and my fear.

Other than its one great triumph - my uterus has constantly been under attack , or colluding with the enemy to bring me down . Time to send it packing.
Like an abusive lover or an old pair of running shoes who do more harm than good .
All attachments, aside . Time to go.
Goodbye to you.
I bid you adieu .
The uterus ,that is , not 'you' .
I am not quite done here yet ........

Halloween

Trick or Treat !

Colin was a Jester this year at the Renaissance Fair and a Bumblebee on Halloween .
I don't know which is cuter .....


Lula was pretty cute , too !

Laugh for the Day

This video was sent to me by my niece Kate who is away at her first semester at NorthEastern University in Boston . She was our primary babysitter this past year and we miss her dearly.
Is it any wonder why ?
How cute is this ?

Our Buggles & Lula

Purify

I found this beauty - swallowtail or Monarch caterpillar?
I am embarrassed to admit i cannot tell the difference ( my days as Naturalist Extraordinaire are numbered ) when i went to cut herbs for soup yesterday.

This week's theme at Mama Says Om is Purify and it is a good time of year to think about purification. Especially if you have a house like mine that is hosting the flu this week. ( Knock on Wood) i have yet to succumb but my husband has it and my little boy had a runny nose today so i am holding my breath hoping it doesn't follow the usual chain of command. All this has inspired me to scour my herb garden and come up with a bombastic blend of culinary and apothecary goodness to do battle with the Germ army marching it's way though my door. I made two soups in as many days - one good ol' fashioned chicken soup and an Asian seafood soup armed to the gills with shitake and maitake mushrooms, Siam Queen Basil and Lemongrass from my herb patch.

Both were delicious and gobbled up with gusto by my sickies. Now i just need to say a little prayer and do a rain dance ( mostly so i won't have to water my roses ) and all the bad energy should float away and i will be left with a happy, healthy and harmonious home , right ?

At least that's the idea behind my purification ceremony.

Monkey in the Middle

" I would not creep along the coast but steer
Out in mid-sea, by guidance of the stars..."
-George Eliot - Middlemarch

It seems I have been 'tagged' by AscenderRisesAbove for a Meme ( i always thought that a Meme was a grandmother - shows how 'square' i really am )
Square peg in a round hole , more like.
Anyway , i digress...

I guess this particular meme is a middle name game where one applies a fact to each letter of their middle name that would reveal something about themselves and then at the end tag a person per letter to do the same . So here i go . Sort of.
Seems simple enough as i only have three letters in my middle name .
Ann. yup , just Ann - pretty boring , huh ?
I always thought i should have had an interesting or exotic middle name like Evangeline or Melusina or something.
Well, i will just to have to work with what i have...

A is for Aspiration

"The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened. It's only the middle-aged who are really conscious of their limitations--that is why one should be so patient with them." Saki- Reginald

A spirations... as a mother i now have more aspirations than ever , heaven help me. Not only do i want to finish my novel someday, have a proper showing of my photographs , really learn French this time, play the piano , become a yoga instructor , make a smaller ecological footprint ( both literally and figuratively ) and have regular dinner parties with anything but regular guests- NOW (post-child) i aspire( and feel a great need ) to do something to help foster world peace , to get my spiritual act together so i don't end up confusing my son , get in great physical and mental shape , start a children's library , learn about trains , set a good example in speech and manners , show some minuscule interest in Sports ( does Tai Chi count ?) , get CPR certified, get organized , the list goes on and on.
The single hardest thing i have been trying to do is JUST BE , which believe it or not , i actually succeed at most of the time.
This is why i suck at regularly updating my Blogs .
Please forgive me.
I guess I am like that little plant always leaning toward the sun , trying to grow against all odds. But i guess that is the point of an aspiration , right ?
More simply put ;
A for always trying.

N is for NO

"I am sure that if the mothers of various nations could meet,
there would be no more wars."- E.M. Forster - Howard's End


No more War. I would like to watch my child grow up in a peaceful world.
I want to live there, too.

N is also for Negativity - life is full of irony

"People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong.
Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? " -Thich Nhat Hanh

Nix on Negativity. I would hereby like to banish all negative thoughts, deeds and words from the lexicon of my life.
At least for 15 minutes per day....


oooh , that was kind of negative wasn't it ?
; )

And last but not least , here are my tags.
Learn something new from someone you don't know
( isn't that the whole point of Blogs anyway ?)

A dAncelikenooneiswatching

N fraNgiblepie

N thepiNkyshow

Just a little... R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Respect is the theme this week at Mama Says Om and the word has SO many possibilities when applied to parenting , doesn't it ?

It can mean learning a healthy self-respect which leads to confidence and self-esteem later in life. It can mean honoring one's parents and elders for the knowledge they bestow to their children and young ones. It can mean treating others the way that you want to be treated .
It can stand for the deference we show to those in authority ( that is if they live up to the job - unlike our current Presidental administration , i am NOT afraid to say ) On a more Zen note -it can also mean caring for the world we share with other living beings.
This is where i choose to pay homage this week.

My son is seventeen months old and has always seemed to be especially aware of the natural world, but lately he seems to have discovered it on another level. He gently cocks his little head to hear the cicadas whirr in the trees, he points to far-off black specks in the sky which i can barely make out to be birds , he softly caresses the stems and petals of flowers and plants on our walks.

He learned the sign for stars before he could say it and now excitedly makes the sign and says "star" with such enthusiasm i am afraid he won't be able to sleep.
He feeds our chihuahua Nooni by hand with such tenderness it almost brings tears to my eyes .( ok - it does) His new favorite 'friend' is his stuffed Panda Xiao Ling ,from our recent trip to the National Zoo . He didn't try to chase the colorful and exotic chickens at the roadside animal park like the other small children - he only squealed in delight and threw some food for them at his feet. He oohh-ed and ahhh-ed and proclaimed "wow" all day at the National Aquarium when we visited one rainy Sunday afternoon.

It is then that i realized my little son has a healthy, innate respect for Nature -even before i got a chance to 'teach' it to him.
He somehow knew to respect the world into which he was born . Maybe all children are born with this absolute pure and joyful recognition of how special our planet and our place in it is ? I don't know but i so look forward to fostering his love for Nature with every new day that opens before us.

I think he can teach me a thing or two , too.

The end of summer always brings with it a sense of melancholy but this year i find myself welcoming the end of the blistering heat and all of the domestic strife my family has been suffering these past few months. As the heat fades and the tide comes in , it seems that life is settling into a more comfortable place lately.

My step-daughter continues to heal and my son continues to grow. Colin just turned 17 months and is FINALLY a true toddler - walking AND talking his way through his little life like a miniature Frankenstein . He even has the growl down- rrrrowwrrr ( this he learned while reading Animalia by Graeme Base . You know , "lazy lions lounging in the library" ? He is busy destroying our house, the village is next.

He loved the beach this year . No more fear of the ocean - just a good , healthy respect. He ran right toward the waves holding our hands like a baby sea turtle trying to return from whence he came.

My favorite moments are of him playing in the surf while the gentle tide formed pools at the edge- just the right size for Bug to explore and wade in safely on his own. He played unencumbered by any sense of time and watching him was like a meditation for me.
It was something my battered heart needed badly.

My husband calls him our 'little band-aid ' because he has such a comforting and healing effect on us . Life can be so difficult at times but these sweet little babies keep us afloat , don't they ? Yes, they are exhausting and SO much work but it is a trade-off for moments like this . Just look at him , so at peace , so happy in the world. In his own skin.

If only we could go there more often , too.

Baby Steps

for mama says om


Well , days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months . With time comes change and with change comes the decision to 'go with the flow' .

We have decided to preserve our annual family vacation to the beach this year , even with the unpredictability of my Step-daughter's daily struggle to beat her eating disorder.
She has been trying really hard in her program to overcome the pull of this insidious and tenacious disease. It has not been easy for her. Or us.

She will be transitioning into a part-time program this week and with any luck she will be joining us for at least part of our vacation, albeit in a slightly altered form . There will be guidelines( one of which is ZERO exercise) and a structure for meals that never existed before. It will be challenging for all of us but we are all in alignment on this to offer her the support she needs for a successful recovery. Fingers crossed , all will go fairly well and she might even be able to have some much-needed fun.


Exciting news on the baby front ....

Bug decided to take his very first unaided steps yesterday !!! YAY , Colin !!!

He has been physically able for weeks now but would not walk without holding onto a finger while toddling along beside us. He just turned 16 months and we were beginning to wonder if he was ever going to do it . He just needed to make up his mind to do it .He is a brave but cautious little boy .I guess that is a good thing in the grand scheme of things.

He was over his cousin Kate's house when he first tried it ( of course , we missed it !)But later that night, he was playing with his favorite truck and made a pirouette into a stand and VOILA ! One foot in front of the other - steps !!!

We are so proud our kids have turned out to be so brave and persevering.
Toddler & teenager .
It takes those initial baby steps to get started on any new endeavor , but it is
the decision to take those first steps is what propels us forth into a brave new world.

Good work , kids.

Honesty

We are having a hard time.



It has been a long , trying month - emotionally , physically, psychologically , financially and situationally EXHAUSTING.

Bug is teething , again. ( has he ever stopped??) He has been nursing non-stop like a newborn for weeks now. Yeouch!

I am anemic , again- still battling the fibroids that continue to make my life hell. Surgery is in my imminent future- yes , i know ALL of the pros and cons and it makes little difference. I am having a partial hysterectomy in the next year - like it or not. Just thinking about this makes me depressed ( more than i already am , if that's possible.)

The housing market back home where i still have my house is in a major slump and is beginning to show signs of neglect which doesn't help its saleability in the least. The pressure of getting it emptied and spruced up so we can unload it is mounting.

A recent trip home made me sad and i miss my family ( crazy as they are ) and my friends and old stomping grounds something awful . Buggy refused to sleep in my house - he was scared and like a fish out of water when bedtime came. I got what felt like zero sleep. It was a tough trip.

On the last day on our way home after an idyllic day at a friend's house and pool we got word that my step-daughter had been admitted to a re-hab facility for eating disorders over the fourth of July weekend. She is stable but having a difficult time accepting this decision.
From joy to devastation in 0-60 - We are stunned at how fast a mood could be ruined these days.

We have been shuttling back and forth to various therapy and doctor appointments since we got back home and we are more than a little rough around the edges. I just feel like crying all of the time , but frankly , i am too tired to muster the energy needed for a good cry just now.

My husband is having a hard time managing his anxiety around all of it, too - the house , the extra mortgage , the baby , our marriage , my health , my step-daughter's health , work , and all of the financial unknowns that loom overhead like some great cloud of locusts in our once clear- blue sky.

I know it has to get better soon , but when ??

There is my honesty .

I have decided to put it out in the open where it can't hurt me . Feels like a good place for it.

Focus...

Bug is changing by leaps and bounds - watching his motor/emotional development is like watching a rosebud open , petal by petal - the small incremental changes imperceptible to the naked eye but change the focus to time-lapse and it becomes swift and irrevocable. Like time itself. I try to focus on every detail , but this , of course is impossible. His focus is laser sharp and ever-changing - on everything and anything that catches his eye. He is like a heat-seeking missile of energy , absorbing and lighting up everything in his path. His gaze has become more focused and intentional. He can hold your eyes with his for a long and meaningful moment now , allowing you to see, however briefly that he is in charge of his own ship now . And he is focused on the high sea.

inspired by Mama Says Om

Memorial Day at the River

We spent Memorial Day in West Virginia on a 20 acre riverfront property newly purchased by my husband's sister and her husband. They plan on building a 'home away from home' on the land and sharing it with the family.

It is a diamond in the rough right now but one with endless brilliant possibilities. We all had a grand time frolicking in the woods and water like wide-eyed children discovering the wonders of nature again. Colin really reveled in the experience and i think he is going to love exploring there as he grows through the years. It is only an hour and 1/2 from the D.C. area but feels a world away.

It is a magical spot.