New

After Surgery

Well, i made it . The new and hopefully improved sans uteri me.
I have yet to feel hopeful though , i have to be honest.
The new me is struggling.

I ended up having abdominal surgery again due to complications and the recovery this time around ( as opposed to my c-section )has been a bit harrowing , to say the least , but i am on the mend.

The surgery was complicated and i ended up staying in the hospital for three days before being discharged home. My husband brought my son to see me the day after my surgery and he was so shy and scared. He just gave me a tentative little smile and then grabbed me and clung to my side like a squirrel monkey , falling asleep for over an hour. I cried like a baby, it was so good to hold him. As much pain as i had , i still couldn't wait for my Doctor to release me so i could go home.

The hardest part for me , physical pain notwithstanding , is not being able to care for my son for 6 weeks. We have had to hire a temporary nanny because i cannot lift or carry or go up stairs for that long until all of my incisions heal properly. I also had bladder surgery so a lot has to re-coup before i can return to being the active Super-Mama i was before the surgery.
I am already going crazy .

I miss Colin so much it makes my heart ache. Oh sure , i get to see him throughout the day but it has become too difficult because he wants to nurse , be picked up , be lifted and swirled around and have me chase him and get on the floor to play with him.. He really doesn't understand when i try to explain why Mama can't do any of those things right now - and we both end up crying.
It is so hard. It pains me like nothing else ever has.

So , i have taken to hiding out in the bedroom, listening to another woman care for my sweet sweet little boy . At night , i lay in bed and listen to my husband upstairs playing with him and making him laugh , getting ready for bed.
He comes down with Collie in his jammies, all fresh and rosy from his bath and my baby gives me an angels soft and downy fragrant kiss .It melts me everytime.
I know , in my heart , in a a few weeks everything will be all right.We will all weather this ~
But i hate being like this. Knowing and feeling are too different things , aren't they ?
In the meantime I pray for a swift recovery but rIght now i feel like a shadow of my former self.

Whoever tells you losing a uterus is no big deal has only one foot in reality.
It is hard , no matter the circumstances , to lose a part of yourself, even one that you willingly let go of. It changes you.


And you become something, someone new.


Before- the day my son was born